I'm going back to bed.

I've been sick for two days. Two whole days where food has been the enemy. So when I woke up this morning and felt fantastic, I was completely ready to make up for everything I'd skipped while I wasted away in my bed.

I bounded out from under my comforter, fed the cat, and softened some butter. The dishwasher was unloaded, six dozen cookies were baked and packed, and a ton of online Christmas shopping was finished. I got so busy I actually walked out the door late for my music theory lesson. And that is where it all started to go downhill.

What is wrong with people? And trust me, there is no person above my notice at the moment. This includes handicapped drivers, city planners, police officers, secretaries on lunch, cell phone providers, fat old women, supercenter employees, Ford F-350 owners....the list goes on.

First off, I think city planners are idiots. I know there are special people out there whose job it is to make traffic run smoothly by programming traffic lights to have specific timing. To whoever has that position in Waynesboro: "YOU SUCK." At no point should a driver hit every red light in the middle of the day. I'm not talking rush hour here. And what is the deal with handicapped drivers? Is there a law that states they have to go 20 mph under the speed limit while taking up both lanes? Each time I tried to pass this guy, he'd switch lanes!

I obviously arrived late to my lesson, which was less overwhelming this week. Jere gave me great advice, telling me to be honest with my instructor that I was completely lost. It's hard for me to admit when I'm overwhelmed by something, especially in music, but I walked in and told him I just wasn't grasping the first lesson, and he was able to break it down in a way that made complete sense to me.

Earlier I had decided to run to Walmart after my lesson to pick up some Christmas gifts and fresh veggies. I really hate going there, but there are some things you can't get at the grocery store. I suppose I could have gone to Martin's for the veggies, but I figured Walmart was safe because it was the middle of a Thursday. No kids running around because school was in session. I should have known I was walking into a nightmare.

What's wrong with Walmart? Let's start with the pharmacy. My doctor told me to pick up some ovulation tests, so I went hunting for them, only to find the place where they should have been empty, with just the price signs and no tests. So I walked up to the pharmacy counter and tried to flag down a woman, but ended up being assisted by a hard of hearing old man. What follows is the conversation that ensued:

"Uh, yes. I'm looking for ovulation tests."
"Ovulation tests?"
"Yes. Ovulation."
"Pregnancy tests?"
"No, not pregnancy tests. Ovulation tests."
"You need a pregnancy test?"
"No, ovulation tests. They come in packs of seven."
"You need seven pregnancy tests?"
(Let me interject. This very hard of hearing man is yelling "pregnancy test" over and over, so the head of every old lady is turned to look at me, the teenage looking short girl, and they're tsk-tsking to each other.)
"No. I don't need a pregnancy test. I need ovulation tests."
(Turning to the head pharmacist, thankfully a woman)"Do we have O-VU-LA-TION tests?"
(Nice pharmacist lady)"They would be over by the pregnancy tests, but I think they are restocking that whole area so they may not be there."

At this point I just waved my thanks and walked back over to the pregnancy tests to see if I'd missed seeing the ovulation tests. I hadn't. But while trying to get in there to look, I was repeatedly run over by a woman on one of those electric scooters, a subject I will cover more in a moment.

Here's my question about the hard of hearing pharmacy assistant: if he can't hear me say "ovuation", what else does he miss? Isn't it somewhat important to correctly hear things in pharmacies? Don't you run a risk of handing out the wrong medication if you hear someone wrong? And what about HIPAA laws, you know, those privacy laws about not giving out patients' private information? Goodness knows what this man has said too loudly. "SO YOU KNOW THIS MEDICINE FOR YOUR GONORRHEA CAN MAKE YOU DROWSY, RIGHT?"

Here in Virginia, we let old people drive long past a point that is smart or sane. This includes letting them drive those motorized scooter carts around Walmart like they're on a Nascar track. I've never seen so many fat old women driving those stupid scooters around all at once. And none of them cared that they were blocking all the aisles. There was one woman who backed out of an aisle and thanked me for waiting, so she was ok. But all the rest of them, freaking idiots.

And the last thing that drove me crazy was that when I went to buy the cafe con leche powder because I had a craving and was feeling too pissed off, lazy, and stressed to come home and fight with my espresso machine, there were four cans and they all expired in February. Oh. And when I got through the line, I realized I forgot to pick up what I actually came for.

I was supposed to go to a Junior Women's Club meeting with Andrea tonight, but I called and told her if I had to smile at one more person I would scream. So I went home, hauled in the groceries, and found a package from my husband waiting. Right on time. :-)

On a couple of good notes, I am about 90% done with the Christmas shopping, as I will not be here to do it in November or December. I ate organic brownies straight from the pan for dinner with a glass of milk. And last night I managed to make my own blog header on blogspot using my own graphics. I'm darn proud of it, go take a look: www.armyowife.blogspot.com

It doesn't matter how much I got done today. It wasn't worth the stress. I'm going to bed tonight and not getting back out until sometime Saturday afternoon.

Today's lesson: There are some days when you should just stop what you're doing, drive home, put your jammies on, and climb back into bed. In fact, you should do that everytime you even think about going to Walmart.