What's your happiness?

It's been a long year. And I don't often think about the amount of time my husband has spent away from me in terms that break my heart, but I think back over the last 12 months, and it hurts when I realize that he's basically missed a full year of our life together. He missed Europe, both our birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and our anniversary. He missed picking out the house we're renting and buying furniture. He missed helping me pack and move. Now he keeps roaming around the house, looking for his stuff and laughing when I tell him I honestly have no clue where it is.

Thankfully, we've picked up where we left off. Well, no. That's not true. We're BETTER. I often talk about just how easy marriage comes to us, and it's more true than ever. Even when I'm freaking out about the Mustang breaking down or the fact that I don't own any pants that are the right size. I didn't realize how lonely it was here until I got to share the space with him. I love it.

So what's happiness?

I think I know.

























Today's lesson: You can make up for lost time. And in trying to fill in what you missed, you can make some truly special memories.

This insomnia/nightmare thing is beginning to get out of control. First, I can't fall asleep for anything, no matter how tired I am. And I wake up so much throughout the night. I've been sleeping until noon trying to make up for it, but it feels like my days are just escaping from me. I'm an early morning person. Getting up with a cup of coffee and having the day's tasks done by 10 AM always makes my day right. And getting up this late? Well, it's kind of kicking my butt.

And lately, you can add nightmares to the mix. I'm not talking monsters and zombies. I'm talking about dreams that prey on my worst fears, then exploit them. Twice this week I've woken up completely heartbroken. There's always this ache there, but when I wake up in the mornings, it's like I've been ripped open and left to bleed. Horrid dreams that make absolutely no sense to me. Or maybe they make better sense than I realize.

Well, onto less interesting, but less pessimistic things. Since my day is starting so late, I've opted for tea over coffee. And since I woke up in such a foul mood, I'm having chocolate madeleines for breakfast. These little cake/cookie type things are so good that I have dreams about them (the good kind). They were doing a sampling of them one day at my Starbucks in Staunton, and I haven't been able to live without them since. So, this is me shamelessly plugging Starbucks, once again. Buy the chocolate madeleines. Happiness in a snack size package.

Of course, being me, I had to take it a step further and order madeleine pans. I'm convinced there's a way to make these tasty little treats somewhat healthier. Wish me luck with that one.

Yesterday was rewardingly stressful. It involved paperwork, a lot of tense waiting, and cleaning my garage. Why you ask? Because my husband bought me a present! Anyone could tell me right now that they have the world's best husband, and I'd probably fight them to the death. My husband rightfully deserves the title at the moment.

Two years ago, when I came into this marriage, I brought a truckload of baggage. Financial baggage and emotional baggage. And Jerry's done his darndest to get rid of both. One was easier than the other. Part of this involved selling the first car I'd bought on my own. I was so far underneath this car that I couldn't see the light of day, and we lived in DC, so having two cars was ridiculous. But when I let go of the car, I felt like I let go a little piece of me. Which was funny, because I pretty much hated that car. I bought it on one of the worst days of my life, and it had behaved accordingly ever since.

Not having your own car, or anything of your own for that matter, can make you feel like you're a visitor in someone else's world. I've felt like a visitor in Jerry's, and he knows that. He's tried so hard to reassure me that all these things are mine as well. He even let me do my bedroom in VA in a black/white/pink Audrey Hepburn theme. But I still felt like I was drowning in his 45 years worth of stuff. There wasn't enough room for everything. Until now.

When Jerry said we were moving to Florida, it became my mission to find the right house. And, lucky for us, the right house came along fairly quickly. And in its square footage, I was able to find something that had always been missing in our decor: us. Not me. Not him. Us. There was room for our tastes to blend, room to add little bits of me to some of the things he's collected. It was the memories that we'd made together that inspired me, specifically, our disastrously delicious trip to Hawaii. And with the help of my aunt and grandma (I say help, but there has to be a stronger word for everything they did for me) , my vision became real. And I feel like WE live here. But there was something missing.

I was still driving around Jerry's Saturn. And soon enough, we were going to need to need two cars. I'd been browsing cars and usually ended up getting frustrated and giving up. But a couple days ago, I found the car I wanted. And without any hesitation on his part, Jerry sent me to buy it. My gift from him. A trophy car for his trophy wife.

I keep running to the garage every hour or so to make sure it's not a dream.

Today's lesson: Sometimes it's alright to hand your baggage to someone else and trust them to take care of it when it's too heavy for you to handle. Even if it takes some time, the right person will help you throw back the convertible top and toss that baggage right out into Tampa Bay at 70 MPH.

Amazing weekend, good reading

I will admit that last week was difficult. The best laid plans changed. I was outsmarted by several stacks of books. And my emotions (and the emotions of those I love) were feeling worn down and stomped on. So when the weekend came, it was time to escape, and my Aunt T had provided just the opportunity.

I had planned to see the Hannah Montana movie the day it came out, but thanks to my new sleep schedule, I slept right through the showing for which I'd bought a ticket. Which turned out to be nice, because my aunt and I made plans to see it the following weekend. I got in my car Saturday, put on the Twilight soundtrack, and enjoyed a nice drive. The wonderful thing about living in Florida is that I no longer panic about getting lost, because I've been here on and off my whole life. It's already in my brain.

T and I met up, stopped in at a birthday party for her friend, then went to get my hair done. I so badly needed it permed, as the humidity was making my old perm flat. Everytime I move, I have to find a new everything: new dentist, new doctor, new favorite gas station. Lucky for me, my aunt recommended her hair stylist. I'm not only in love with my hair. I'm in love with all the ladies in the salon. They talked about everything, no holds barred. And I've been invited to go with a group of them to see the next installment of the Twilight series when it comes out. Look! Instant friends!

Next, T and I went for pedicures. It's the first time I've had a pedicure done by a man. A little odd, but he did a fantastic job. Then the little girl came over and painted tiny flowers on my toenails. So cute! And so needed, because my poor toes looked awful.

That night we went to see Hannah Montana. As a treat, T took me to this little theater that's nothing more than a hole in the wall. But they have a full menu, including wine and beer, all at more than reasonable prices. There was just something ironic and wonderful about watching Hannah Montana while nursing a Bud Light. Great movie, by the way. My favorite part was being surrounded by little girls who were singing along with all the songs. It was adorable! I almost joined in...

After the movie, we went for sushi. I have a very big problem with the whole "eyes being bigger than my stomach" thing with sushi. I want it all. And I've actually been having dreams about sushi, which made it worse. But it was so good, and despite the fact that the spicy tuna roll cleared out my sinuses, I walked out full and slightly buzzed. I hit the bed that night with my eyes closed and didn't wake up for 9 1/2 hours.

We had breakfast Sunday morning, then headed into Orlando to see Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. My aunt has season tickets to the Broadway Across America program in Orlando, and there's always an extra ticket for me. It was a cute show, but I'm of the opinion that Broadway shows and kids don't mix. It's not like a movie theater. It's a major issue when someone has to "go potty." And you would think that the show planners would have said, "Hey, this is a kid oriented show. Maybe we should have two intermissions instead of just one." It's a thought.

I had such a good weekend that I didn't particularly want to come home.

Two things happened today that are worth noting. First, I had a solicitor come to the door. We get a lot of them around here, and I've finally figured out how to get rid of them. The guy asked if my parents were home. I simply told him no. *grin*

And the second thing was that I got a box from my husband. He sends me as many care packages as I send him, but lately it's been that he's sending things home that he doesn't want to drag in his bag. Today it was letters. My favorite thing about deployments is reading the cards and letters that he's gotten while he's there. I know, this is my first deployment with him, but this isn't my first deployment go round. And it opens your eyes as to who really cares about the man you love when you see who did and didn't bother to write to him. My thanks goes out to my family. You are all truly wonderful, because a great number of the cards came from you. It also reminded me that my husband has great friends. I love you all.

Today's lesson: Good family is more valuable than even the most expensive shrink.

I am HAPPY!

There are so many things in life that can bring you down and break your heart. I've been through a few of them. But some days you just have to sit back, look at your life, and rejoice at the beautiful things you've been given.

1. I have the best husband in the world. In fact, he's given me just that: the world. I've always wanted to travel, and in our two years of marriage, I've been more places than I've been in my entire life. Most recently he decided to send my sister and I on a cruise to Italy, Greece, Turkey, and Croatia.
2. I live in a wonderful place. Florida is where I was born. It's where I belong. And being here makes me feel like I've come home. I get to sit by the pool and read or eat sushi or have a beer, basking in the warmth and drinking in the sunshine.
3. I am talented. Which is something I haven't been entirely upfront about. I've played the piano since I was 8. I love it. But I hate performing, mostly because the last time I performed, I made a little goof (it was at church) and this other kid at church mocked me mercilessly for it. I'm going to guess my second husband didn't even know I could play. I hate my nerves, but I love the way I sing and play for myself. And I once again have to thank Jerry for making the investment in what I love. I now have a piano that is easy to drag all over the US, no matter where we go.
4. I am smart. Darn smart. I'm good at math. I'm good at writing. And I'm surprisingly good with history, now that I've been exposed to it.
5. I'm darn pretty. Yes, I know that sounds conceited, but I've worked my butt off. Literally. Hard work pays off, and I'm proof.
6. I am a good wife. I can bake, I can cook, I can clean, and I care deeply about my husband and what happens in his day. I am good at what I do. And being a wife is my career.

What brings this on? I don't know. I guess I'm tired of thinking about the way others see me. I know the way that certain other people see me, and it's completely not fair. So I'm taking the time to wonder at myself and just how blessed and gifted I am. And I challenge each of you to do the same. It's not about being proud. It's about being honest with yourself about your worth.

And just ask my husband. I am completely worth it.

Today's lesson: There's nothing wrong with singing your own praises, as long as you know who to praise for your gifts.

Beach escape

What a completely fantastic day! And trust me, I needed one. The weather here has been iffy, what with thunderstorms and wind, so I haven't been spending a whole lot of time outside. I've kind of holed up in here watching/reading Twilight. Yes, that's dual immersion right there. For two solid days.

So when my aunt and uncle invited me out for lunch and a little beach time, I was thrilled! They're down with my cousins for spring break, and were headed out to Anna Maria Island today, which is just over an hour from me. I've lived here for a few weeks now, and haven't really made it further than the nearby shopping centers.

Most of the time, when I was a kid, the beach meant Daytona, New Smyrna, Cocoa, all Atlantic coast beaches. I made my first remembered trip to the Gulf coast a couple Christmases ago with Jerry, when we stayed on the beach and watched lightning hit the ocean out our balcony window. There's something magical about the Gulf and its light colored water and white sand beaches. It's as beautiful as the Carribean, but in such a different way. And today out at Coquina Beach, the sand was warm and perfect. The sun wasn't too hot, the wind wasn't too rough.

I showered and drove to the beach with the windows down and the radio blasting. My aunt, uncle, and cousins were there, already laid out in the pristine sand, my cousin Tavia surrounded by the shells she'd collected from along the water. We sat around for awhile, then headed out for lunch at this neat little restaurant right on the beach. Plastic chairs, palm trees, and coconut shrimp. I can't wait to bring Jerry back to this place!

I think I have a new favorite place in Florida. I love Key West, and I love wandering on International Drive. I love Daytona and New Smyrna and the Everglades. But today I sat with my toes in the sand and really felt like I have come home. Thanks to my aunt and uncle for showing me such a beautiful beach and for helping me feel some of that Michigan love. After all the years of living in the frozen north, it's easy to appreciate the wind and the waves.

Today's lesson: Listen to the recommendations of others. Their knowledge can be pricelessly valuable, especially when they lead you to a place of perfect happiness.

Keep your family close, and your enemies far, far away

I've never been more grateful to be near family. There is so much that I needed to do this past week, and there's no way I would have kept the motivation going without them. I know I was a wreck and a great big meanie, but they sure hung in there with me.

I drove down to Florida last week after members of the Staunton PD came on their day off to load my moving cubes. They made this last stretch of my mood so stress free that I was able to get in the car and drive off the second they were finished. Bless them and my friends for helping me out (including all of you who live a full day's drive away and STILL offered to come, you rock my world), because I certainly wasn't going to get any help from anyone else.

I drove through the night, napped at a rest area, and made it to Florida late in the afternoon. It was sunny and warm, and I walked in the door of this beautiful house, then immediately fell asleep on the new carpet. I slept most of the day and all of the night, and woke up still exhausted the next morning.

My grandma came on Friday, and my aunt on Saturday, and they stayed here with me. We shopped, filled cars to the top with food, random decor, and chairs. They kept me moving forward, kept me shopping, kept me accomplishing what needed to be finished before they left with their roomy vehicles.

I was, of course, surly and stressed out, not to mention snippy. I'll admit it. So when the moving company told me they could deliver my things a week late so I could have a whole weekend to unload, I took it. It means I have some time to sleep and search out my sanity.

So, I guess the short story is that I'm here. Ginger is settling in fantastically, spending a ton of time on the patio, sunning herself. She loves all the space in here. As do I. There are new chairs lovingly built by three very goofy women. And I'm comfy on my big air mattress, waiting for all hell to break loose. Until then, I have chairs and beer. And leftover grandma food. Life is truly wonderful.

And Happy Anniversary, honey. Maybe next year we'll actually get to spend it together. Thank you for making these the easiest two years of my life, despite the Army throwing wrenches in our plans. We could be stranded on a desert island, and you'd still find a way to make my life sweet and simple. I love you.

Today's lesson: You can never know how much you need real family until you spend time without any. Thank God for my family. I am so happy to have finally made my way home.

I've made it onto "Crazy Lady"

I am so proud! Everyone check it out!

http://crazyladysawwhat.blogspot.com/